I swear, I am not horsing around whatsoever.

OK, ok. You’re cute. I’m woman enough to admit that. The costume is dope with your 80’s weird hair metal mane and I’m pretty sure you’re an inter-racial baby which pretty much means you’re guaranteed cute.

But in this newfound level of honesty we have with each other, I just have to say….. BABY HORSES ARE SO MUCH CUTER THAN BABIES DRESSED AS HORSES. Listen, for a sec. It’s a numbers game baby dressed as a horse. Sure, you might be extremely adorable but here’s the deal. ALL baby horses are cute. Every friggin one of them. Your team needs to step it up. Look at this guy…

For reals? I’m just hoping that this baby dressed as a horse has his hands up because he wants his parents to get him the hell out of that costume. I mean, really, patchwork cheeks? And what’s with those sleeves?! Oh I get it, a Native American got drunk at the ol’ casino and gave it to a pony and therefore, you, a half breed/love child became to exist. So, your hands are in the air cause you’re actually conjuring up your dead ancestors around a campfire, gotcha.

Listen, I don’t care what kind of hybrid freak you’re parents dress you up as, but those huge seams are unforgiveable. Get a decent fuckin sewing machine for god’s sake. Oh whats that? You’re uncle made that costume? Well tell that jack ass to… Oh Hi uncle dressed as horse!

I was just saying what an amazing job you did on that costume. Really. I tried feeding that baby dressed as horse a carrot earlier because it was so realistic. And it was all “I can’t eat solids yet” and we just laughed and laughed. Ok, it was a pleasure, neigh, an honor meeting you. Get it? Neigh! Like a horse noise. Oh ok, bye!
….
What the fuck, baby dressed as horse? Give me some warning. Now where was I? Oh yes, Look how adorable a REAL baby horse is?

Ok, now you ready to have your 8 month old mind blown? That isn’t even a baby! That’s a miniature horse! An adult! Even further proof that you are the less cute species.

Now in other news, how about fewer babies dressed as horses and more baby horses dress as other things. Such as this..

(note the kids dressed as horses in the background. God it’s sad. Wait, are those horses? Bears? What the hell are those things?)

In all seriousness folks, not all horses have it good. Look at this pathetic asshole.

“Thanks owner. Ya know, I was just thinking about how I’m not hot enough completely covered in hair in this blazing Utah sun. And then you come around and put 20,000 cotton balls on me. I can’t tell you how on the same wavelength we are. Now would you be so kind as to stick that staff through my temple?!?”

So, don’t turn around!

..guess you’re gonna see my heart brea-a-kin’
Don’t turn around,
I don’t want you seeing me voo-o-mit!

(sung to the tune of Ace of Base. Oh, you aren’t familiar with the group? Leave this blog immediately)

Listen, let’s be honest with ourselves, if you saw triplets of the baby dressed as on otter above… you would not think it’s sweet. You would be terrified and coming to the terms with the fact you are about to be murdered by triplets babies dressed as otters.

You know what isn’t scary when swimming in packs of three? Actual baby otters!

Look at those sweet little whiskered faces! Don’t you just want to crawl up on a chaise lounge and take a nap with them? Don’t you just want to escort that baby dressed as an otter back to his parents and never babysit for him again?

I wanted to get the full “cute” scoop so I thought I’d meet the parents before I make any decisions. When confronting baby dressed as otters mom how she felt about her child’s level of cuteness, she refused to show her face on camera..

Ashamed of her own offspring (emphasis on ‘off’)
But when I ask the Mama Otter, she was like BAM!

Holding up her furry nugget like Punxsutawney Phil on Groundhog’s day.

Must I say it? Dont you already know?

Baby otters are SO MUCH CUTER (and more fun to hang with*) than babies dressed as otters!

In other news, I just found my new best friend.

You must be duckin crazy, baby.

Baby dressed as a duck, now while I’ll admit that your face is pretty adorable and it looks like that face was superimposed unto a duck costume (therefore, you might not have even committed this heinous impostor move), I still have to inform you that baby ducks are SO MUCH CUTER than babies dressed as ducks.

I mean check it out.

Look at all that fuzz and the ability to fit into one’s hand. That can’t be taught  baby dressed as a duck. But perhaps if you shrink you could…well fuck me sideways. You brought your older brother didn’t you?

Dear god, now I see where you get it. And a face on top of face at that. Even the costume duck face looks pissed it has to be a part of this. Now I just feel bad for you baby dressed as duck, but its not gonna soften me up. Nope, two can play at that game. You are not the only one who can roll deep. Bring out the cute crew!

Shit’s about to get serious.

whoo whoo who’s the cutest?

Are you seriously asking me this, baby dressed as an owl? Really? This is an actual question you are proposing while dressed as an owl who got raped by an Elvis impersonator? Well, I don’t meant to be cruel (that’s an Elvis reference, baby dressed as an owl, although i know you don’t get it because your age is still measured by months) but a baby owl is SO much cuter than a baby dressed as an owl. Check it!

In a cute contest this baby owl will knock you on your ass so fast that your head will spin (36o degrees).

we’ve got ourselves a competition!

in our closest match to date we have baby dressed as a polar bear in one corner…. and an actual baby polar bear in the other…. which is cuter?

BABY POLAR BEAR takes it!   (i side with his lack of flexibility. baby dressed as polar just touches his toes like its no biggie)

in other babies dressed in costumes news…. this one wins for having the biggest as assholes for parents.

4 days old and already a laughing stock. whats he gonna be next year? Herpecin L ?

no, baby, i AM putting you in the corner.

because you are a disgrace.

baby hippos are SO much cuter than babies dressed as hippos.

even their moms are cuter with their crazy ass teeth. no, baby dressed as hippo, dont.

why? why do you have to bring you washed up ballerina stage mom into this? dont you knowshes living vicariously thru you? quite frankly its sick.

thanks for coming out

really baby dressed as gorilla, i have to commend you on making the effort to show up and waste my time. seriously, must i say it baby dressed as gorilla?

baby gorillas are cuter than babies dressed as gorillas.

whats that baby dressed as gorilla? sympathy vote? you think he got a sympathy vote cause he got some medical attention? how dare you. how. dare. you. his eyes are staring into my soul and his tongue is just the slightest bit out. its called adorable, and you could learn a few things. now, if you dont mind, get the hell off my blog baby dressed as gorilla.

seriously… its not even a fair fight…

baby penguins are so much cuter than babies dressed as penguins.

and he doesnt even have the bowtie advantage!

in our closest match to date

the baby bunny takes it by a “hare”.

baby bunnies are officially cuter than babies dressed as bunnies.

*why did they put the bunny’s tail on TOP of the costume? it makes the kid look like an ass. literally.

its official

baby skunks are cuter than babies dressed as skunks.

oh dont look at me like that…