Look, no. I don’t care if it’s his birthday, he’s cut off. I’m not serving him. Because I will get fired, okay? It’s against NY law to serve someone that’s so intoxicated that they’re clinging to your thumb. Now put your friend in a cab or on the back of a hummingbird or something, he needs to go home.

I’ve never really wanted to have a car since I’ve lived in NYC, except for maybe when I go to Ikea or need to drop of 61 lbs of laundry (yesterday, true story. do not judge me). However, all that has changed since I’ve made the discovery of CAR LASHES. Look at those fierce fuckers.
Now all I can think about is getting a new convertible VW Bug, painted it teal, slapping on the lashes and cruising around in what will look like a motorized Chairy from PeeWee’s Playhouse.
*If I was in their marketing department I would definitely make Car Lashes tagline “We put the tranny in transportation”.

That’s right. Besides completely nailing being the cutest fucking things to ever adorably trot across our planet, micro pigs are also artsy.I swear to god if I see a picture of one playing ping pong or drinking a gin based cocktail- I will officially get one despite what my boyfried (and Brooklyn pet laws) say about it.

Seth brought home a Soda Stream seltzer maker a few days ago. It is absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I am not exaggerating whatsoever.

OK, maybe not the best EVER. But it definitely kicks anything else’s ass this week. I love it more than Snookibat (pictured below) and I pretty much figuring out how to own a pet bat in NYC because I am so obsessed with that little fucker. GET ONE. (Soda Stream, not Snookibat. However, you are welcome to breed a Pauly D bat. Ohmigod, imagine it on the turntables).

With the knowledge that our favorite flighted mammals have accents, it can only mean one thing……. another Jersey Shore spin off!

Oh Snookibat, some things never change!

This is quite possibly my next tattoo. Inked right across my lower stomach like Tupac. First, I just have to lose 10 pounds. And second, I have to lose my damn mind.

So, I meet eyes for a second and she has got crazy stare. Seriously yall, it’s not like the size of her peepers made me feel awkward or I’m over exaggerating hte situation, the woman looked straight into my soul then it bounced back into her eyes then she reflected my soul into my eyes and made me see myself for the first time.. It was like she thought, “Hmmm, who should I make feel uncomfortable on this train today? Oh how about that red head whose playing BrickBreaker on her Blackberry and eating raw cashews?” Done.

I didn’t look back up at her, obvi, and just exited the train at Union Square. I guess she got out there thru the other train door and sure enough, on the platform… another eye lock/she sees all my deepest secrets and fears with one look.

She’s Clairiffying I tell ya!

*Yes, I made two “Claire” puns.
*When I told my friend Maegan that I simply saw her on the train she asked “Did she stare right thru you with her huge alien eyes?” Claire is on a rampage!

Just looking at them have got me tempted to break a toe in Cleveland so I can spend a couple days walking around in one of these numbers, making fun of every fellow dude patient. For real Furstie, unless these are for an Aids clinic in San Fransisco, I don’t think male patients are gonna be too stoked about the print you chose. In fact, one of your best additions is that it no longer has the peek-a-boo back that hospital patients complained about. However, any gentleman I know who would approve of this gown, would actually prefer a peek-a-boo back if you know what I’m saying. I think we need to butch up the male gown a little bit. Now, please send me one to wear as a night gown. Thanks.